This is where I used to meditate. A beautiful quiet place. During the summer I opened the large window and could hear the birds and the crickets sing.
I have not been able to meditate for almost 5 months. How come ? Well meditating is turning your mind towards the inside without judging what you find and accepting them the way they are rather than pretending to see things the way they “should be”. In my case I saw cargo ship loads of emotions. Feelings I had put aside for so long, childhood dreams I hardly remembered until then and little by little a question came up : are you happy ? And it came up with a force and a violence I never would have imagined. So heavily that It ended up with a complete breakdown right in my office before my secretary because I knew the answer. No I was not happy.
Since that moment I have quit my job. I see a therapist every 2 weeks or so and I truly try to reconnect with my real values. I struggle every day in the attempt of getting rid of these layers of fake values I put on over the last 50 years or so. Social status, polite lies, 14 hour workdays to pay things I don’t need, pretending. It’s not easy and there’s always the risk of surrendering and returning to business as usual. I know that if I decide to continue this new road it will take time but I also sense that what happened 5 months ago can only mean one thing : I don’t have a choice.
So I paint and I try to become a gardener. And I try to do so without applying the old schemes of being successful, without the eagerness of high performance or the search of outstanding results. And it’s tough.
This is a still life I painted a few days ago. I did it fast and spontaneously.
Then the old scheme of ” I can do better than that ” came in and this is what happened.
You’re right it’s more realistic but what happened to the emotions floating in the first painting ? They got washed out by reason. The first one speaks to my inner self the second one just leaves me frustrated : ” I can do better than that …”
It’ll take years I guess before I’ll be able to honestly express things through painting because I cling so much to those high performance schemes …
I changed the color of the background which was a bad idea, then I made the fruits more realistic ( bad idea ?).
Here’s the first one. It looks more expressive and fresher to me.
I guess I’ll just go on further and see what happens and I will definitely change the background colors.
Once more I ask myself do I continue or do I stop at this state.
I really like this unfinished look. It’s all there : an apple, a banana and a metal bowl right ? Then there’s that challenge to go on to be more and more realistic, in fact : to be in a search of performance.
For now I’ll just let it be and have a second look at it tomorrow.
This is an autoportrait. I wanted it to be realistic and I think I caught quite well my state of mind these days.
Unfortunately the photograph doesn’t show the light color zones. They’re easier to see in real.
I finished Nathan’s portrait. It’s a bit weird and I kind of feel he doesn’t like it too much.
I love this moment when the brush strokes just begin to let appear a face or a figure. At times I’m tempted to leave like that. But then curiosity makes me go further.
Since I made a drawing for my daughter Zoe I think that Nathan, my son, would also appreciate having his portrait.
So this is going to be for him.
It’s somewhere between realism and abstraction
I started a portrait this morning. It seems to come along easily but I want to go slow. I really don’t feel like overpainting it.
There’s a nice expression appearing and it’s easy to ruin it by trying to make it more realistic…
My son Nathan asked me to create a garden with him. So we decided to do so.
It’s not a very large one. But then we are not really experienced gardeners. For now there’s only some strawberries, oignons and melons planted.
I needed a complementary activity to my painting because at times I get too much involved in my artwork. Besides it feels great to be outside listening to the birds and appreciating the warmth of the sunshine on my skin.
I finished the meditation painting.
At first I found it too simple and I spent 3 days trying to find something to add to it in order to make it more “art”. Just couldn’t do it. This afternoon I decided to leave it just like that.
After all the atmosphere of silent introversion is enough for me.
I still haven’t gone back to meditation yet. But I’m sure I will. So the heck with big “A” art.
I hope you guys like it too.