This is where I used to meditate. A beautiful quiet place. During the summer I opened the large window and could hear the birds and the crickets sing.
I have not been able to meditate for almost 5 months. How come ? Well meditating is turning your mind towards the inside without judging what you find and accepting them the way they are rather than pretending to see things the way they “should be”. In my case I saw cargo ship loads of emotions. Feelings I had put aside for so long, childhood dreams I hardly remembered until then and little by little a question came up : are you happy ? And it came up with a force and a violence I never would have imagined. So heavily that It ended up with a complete breakdown right in my office before my secretary because I knew the answer. No I was not happy.
Since that moment I have quit my job. I see a therapist every 2 weeks or so and I truly try to reconnect with my real values. I struggle every day in the attempt of getting rid of these layers of fake values I put on over the last 50 years or so. Social status, polite lies, 14 hour workdays to pay things I don’t need, pretending. It’s not easy and there’s always the risk of surrendering and returning to business as usual. I know that if I decide to continue this new road it will take time but I also sense that what happened 5 months ago can only mean one thing : I don’t have a choice.
So I paint and I try to become a gardener. And I try to do so without applying the old schemes of being successful, without the eagerness of high performance or the search of outstanding results. And it’s tough.
This is a still life I painted a few days ago. I did it fast and spontaneously.
You’re right it’s more realistic but what happened to the emotions floating in the first painting ? They got washed out by reason. The first one speaks to my inner self the second one just leaves me frustrated : ” I can do better than that …”
It’ll take years I guess before I’ll be able to honestly express things through painting because I cling so much to those high performance schemes …